Ow, my heart

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TROCK!

Some trock for you to enjoy. For the uninitiated, trock is timelord rock. Songs about Doctor Who.

Win.

Here are three of the six on the EP, which will be properly polished, completed and finished and on iTunes SOON.
New Earth

The End Of The Universe (Chantho’s Song)

Bad Wolf Bay

And to people redirected here from Alex’s video - hi! ^_^

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two beautiful things

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I’m doing these in comic book form from now on.

I might publish them eventually and be like James Kochalka and everyone ever will love me.

Before you ask, I draw myself as a child because… well, that’s how I see myself.

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I should go into comedy I’m so amazing

Hello everybody. How are we all today? I appreciate that there’s not been nearly a long enough gap between posts but for some reason I felt compelled to write not out of the normal guilt that comes with neglect, but instead with an actual wish to write a blog entry. This worries me, because it’s this sort of actual enjoyment from blogging that the majority of blogs come from. And the majority of blogs are BORING. the blogosphere should implement an ego tax. I don’t know how, they just… should.

Anyway, I’ve been coming up with some CRAAAZY ideas recently and I thought I’d share. Here they are.

Firstly, I went to Edinburgh and was hugely disappointed because it was lovely. It’s meant to be a pit of scumbaggery and despair! Haven’t you SEEN Trainspotting? Secondly, I realised that thanks to my hugely retentive memory, I recently was able to comment on the manufacture of crisps with knowledge taken in its entirety from an episode of Come Outside that I caught the second half of. The great thing was that I sounded actually knowledgeable. It was as though I had a crisp-making PHd from the University of Aunty Mabel, and I felt great! then I remembered how Pippin had accidentally stolen a bag of crisps from the place, and Aunty Mabel didn’t seem upset and then I felt sad because Aunty Mabel was as good as condoning shoplifting. I was a weird kid.

Also, they’ve started showing episodes of Come Outside in the middle of the night now. What’s the point in that? It’s only going to confuse people who are looking for porn and instead of coming across half an hour of dogging, get hit in the face with Aunty Mabel versing you in the ways of the celery industry. Maybe they deserve it.

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The Grand - archaic in its currency

Today I was talking with my friend Andrew George about what the first month of films would be if I had a cinema. Initially, I said, I would start the running with a double bill of ‘My Wrongs #8245-8249 & 117′ by Chris Morris and ‘A Clockwork Orange’ by Stanley Kubrick, but then I started thinking… and here’s the real list. Welcome to the Grand, a cinema so backward, we’re forward.

THE GRAND - comprehensive listing for July - August 2007

Jul 2, 4, 6: Japanese Teenage Wasteland - a study on Japanese interpretation of youth Culture
Akira (Katsuhiro Ôtomo, 1988)/Battle Royale (Kinji Fukasaku, 2000)

Jul 7, 8: Le fabuleux destin d’Amelie Poulain
(Jean-Pierre Jeunet, 2001)

Jul 9, 11, 13: From Russia With Love - 20th century warfare in the Eastern Bloc
Goodbye Lenin! (Wolfgang Becker, 2003)/Schindler’s List (Steven Spielberg, 1993)

Jul 14, 15: Casablanca
(Michael Curtiz, 1948)

Jul 16, 17: A Pegg and Wright Double Bill
Shaun of the Dead (Edgar Wright, 2004)/Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright, 2007)

Jul 18: Dr. Strangelove
(Stanley Kubrick, 1964)

Jul 20: Warm Water under a Red bridge
(Shohei Imamura, 2001)

Jul 21, 22: Jean De Florette - double bill
Jean De Florette/Manon Des Source (Claude Berri, 1986)

Jul 23, 25, 27: This American Life - two films studying the minutiae of teenage life in america
Napoleon Dynamite (Jared Hess, 2004), Ghost World (Terry Zwigoff, 2001)

Jul 27, 28: Pokemon: The First Movie (Mew vs. Mewtwo)
(Michael Haigney & Kunihiko Yuyama, 1999)

Jul 30, 31: Romeo and Juliet
(Baz Lurhmann, 1996)

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So there you go. Would you visit the Grand? On your third visit, you get a free popcorn!

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Knife + finger = okay, really

Remember when you were little? Do ya? Back when everything seemed like it could crush you like the ant-human that you were? Happy days! do you remember the first things mummy and daddy told you? Like always be careful with knives? Well this is something we’re going to challenge today in a little item I like to call

EVERYTHING YOUR LOVED ONES TOLD YOU IS WRONG!

It doesn’t roll off the tongue necessarily, but given time it’ll grow on you.
So I’ve done some testing for y’all, and I’ve done a little experimentation, coming out of it with two freshly sliced fruit scones and a slightly cut thumb, and here’s what I’ve found out: You don’t need to be particularly careful when you’re using knives, so long as you remember that WHEN THE KNIFE TOUCHES YOUR FINGER, STOP CUTTING AND MOVE YOUR FINGER. We’ve got touch receptors for a reason, and even if you’re daydreaming, it’ll still be a good average of half a second to a second of breadknife-on-flesh before it cuts through and you’re left with a wound with sultanas and crumbs in it. This was my least favourite part of the excercise.

So, to conclude, the moment a knife touches your finger, it’s not going to kill you forever. Just keep alert for the feeling of knife on your finger, move finger and continue. kk?

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In other news,  I believe some member of the royal family has gone off and broken his leg in a polo accident again. Honestly, you’ve got to have some doubts about a family supposedly in reign of a fine nation who can’t even eat a bloody mint without doing themselves serious injury. Not only that, but they keep doing it. I don’t know about you, but if I somehow ingested a polo in such a way that it was directly responsible for my leg breaking, I would never eat a polo in that fashion again. All I’m saying, royal family, is stick to softmints.

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an update, in fits of keystrokes

The cinnamon grahams fiasco continues! Except they’re not referring to it as a fiasco, because they don’t see anything wrong in what they’re doing! Which is what annoys me most of all!

Here’s what’s going down. This is a quote from the back of the box:
“Why not email us at curiously.different@cpuk.nestle.com to tell us how you would describe the taste.”

It wasn’t so bad when they were doing it themselves, but now they’re involving the general public and asking them to participate, and I think that’s taking it a little too far, don’t you?

I decided to send an e-mail to the people in charge, to try and sort this mess out.

————

TO:  curiously.different@cpuk.nestle.com

FROM: Tom

SUBJECT: Indescribable? Really? You sure?

Hello Nestle,

It was with much dismay that I read the back of my box of cinnamon grahams this morning as I munched on them, and what I read turned what was normally a delicious cinnamonny* way to start my day into what could only be described as what LIES would taste like if covered with milk and served in a bowl made of DECEIT.

You see, I found it hard to comprehend that you were not only describing the so-called ‘indescribable’ taste right there in the same sentence (”toasted cinnamon squares”) but also asking the general cinnamon-graham-eating public to enter into this mind-numbing vortex of trying to describe the indescribable. As such, I thought I’d recommend a few alternative slogans for your marvellous cereal:

- the as-of-yet indescribable taste of cereal x
- the fairly easy to describe, yet orally complex, taste of toasted cinnamon squares
- the indescribably delicious taste of toasted cinnamon squares
- toasted cinnamon squares that have a taste that is somewhat hard to pigeonhole.

I appreciate that none of these roll off the tongue quite as conveniently as ‘the indescribable taste of toasted cinnamon squares’, however I feel that once adopting one of the above slogans, your loyal customer fan base will no longer be worried (and dare I say it, verging on vexed) about the conundrum you present them with.

indescribably yours,
Tom Milsom

*is that right? You’re the experts!

—–

No reply as of yet. I’ll wait it out and see what happens.

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people like me, and I love the peoples!

a picture of meee!!!Yup, this is actually a picture that my close friend and member of my (non-obsessive) fan club Alex Sims painted of me! She is an awesome artist and a really lovely person, and you can find her stuff here!

Okay, so so many things have been happening recently it is unreal, and while I normally disagree with the principle of actually writing about what has happened to one in their blog, because it’s usually so damn boring, I hope I’ll be able to entertain you as I regale you with tales of what the hell happened to me, and hopefully it will also fill you in as to why I haven’t posted on here in a tinier version of forever, and it also may inspire Frank Monea to write once again on these hallowed pages, and grace us with his words! I’ve been a huge fan of Frank Monea ever since I was very very young, and he has always inspired me, and I have always aspired to such great heights of talent as posessed by Frank. I see some of you, (*cough*Ina*cough*Rhian*cough*) have taken to being quite harsh with Frank. I’d ask you to leave him alone, because as one of my heroes, it hurts me to see you offending such a great man as Frank. Frank, if you were offended, please come back. I miss you.

Okay, so things that have happened — well, for one thing, me and my ukulele (thanks, frank!) have been wreaking a kind of mini-acoustic havoc in Reigate College, starting with my success at the Reigate College Battle of the Bands. I won that, and then partook in the Open Air Festival a few weeks later, performing mostly my own songs. Since then I’ve got myself a wonderful bunch of new friends, two fan clubs and a portrait. All in all, it’s been a great few weeks.

Now as for these fan clubs, there are two, as I said. One is peculiarly obsessive, and has done such things as attempted to create a religion around me (although it were a half-arsed attempt, let’s be honest, seeing as they were blatantly attempting to simply modify the framework of Christianity, most notably with the lord’s prayer with my name in it). After this creeped me out, a second, not obsessive fan club was set up. This is currently the larger one, and indeed it’s the one I would ask you to join if you feel the need to do such a thing, however it is the obsessive one that is more pro-active, actually filming an interview with me and recording a solo session of me and my ukulele performing uncertainty to put on the Tom Milsom Fan Club bebo page. Well exactly, that’s what I said too, but they didn’t listen.

You see, as it happens I’ve gone through a bit of a phase recently. Turns out I can actually write halfway decent songs, not like Happy Days if any of you have stuck around with me long enough to remember that, but about proper things like love and friendship and relationships and lobsters. I’ve been coming up with lines like “And if I had a pound/for every time you turned me down/I’d have one pound fifty/in my bank account right now”, and people are really starting to get into it, which is lovely… for eight years I’ve been playing and learning music, and to now be at a stage where I can write songs that people actually like is really lovely. :)

I’ll be performing at the big battle of the bands… essentially it’s the next round and the Reigate College BotB was just warmup… and I don’t know where or when it is, but when I do, I’ll post it on here and you’re all welcome to come along, but for now, goodnight my friends, and I will certainly try to talk to you soon.

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a question

mmm, custardy. My mother wanted to name me custard cream as a baby, but father wouldn't let her.No matter where I go in life, and what I do, there’s one thing that I can always count on never to change. That’s right, custard creams.

They’re always the same! No matter which supermarket you get them from or which manufacturer makes them, they’ve always got that squiggly pattern on them, and the diamond surrounding the words custard cream. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but I’m curious as to why this is, to my knowledge, the only universally identical biscuit.

Can any of you offer any assistance on this point? Why are the regulations for making Custard Creams so tight?

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